


The Bachelor But Awesome

by clowncumjar



Series: Homestuck: Into the Cummyverse [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cuck, pleasetakethisseriously, read both of them, the bachelor - Freeform, there's two chapters fucknuts, vriska dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:14:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23934394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clowncumjar/pseuds/clowncumjar
Summary: Hussie chooses a girlfriend on national television!!!!! Who will it be???!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!
Relationships: Andrew Hussie/Vriska Serket
Series: Homestuck: Into the Cummyverse [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1565008
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is part 7 of the cummyverse series. start from the beginning.

“And that leaves us with the final two bitches to choose from! Hussie, who will you pick?”

Andrew Hussie is on television on a show where the primary objective is to sift through hot chicks until you choose your favorite as if you were in a shopping mall food court surrounding by samples carried on trays by curvy bimbos. Hmmmm, this asian food tastes pretty good, oh wait the indian food is pretty slammin too. Damn fish and chips?? exotic. But you always end up at the fuckin white-ass Sonic buying the same goddamn american foods you always do, eating like 50 burgers until you become a fat lumbering fuck.

Basically, Hussie has eliminated all the skinny girls. Only Vriska and Feferi remain standing. Off to the side sitting on benches are Damara, Meenah, Calliope (all bones and no fat. very disappointing for the hussman), and virtually every other female in Homestuck other than Aradia and Kanaya. Kanaya had been invited to the show but had a real pissyfit, saying that she “was a married woman” or whatever. Her wife came, but only to punch Hussie in the balls. No one even fucking knows where aradia is. fucking cryptid

Jane is crying in her spot on the bench. She was in the top three. She could back it up, and it was fat enough, but when she threw it back it just wasn’t fast enough. Also hussie likes troll women because they can dick him, and unfortunately for Jane all she had was a filthy vagina. She has already planned her revenge.

Feferi and Vriska stand in front of Hussie in all their gross, obese glory. They both seem about the same weight. This is gonna be a tough one.

The camera cuts to a mini-interview with Eridan Ampora to further delay the choice and beef up the tension.  
America groans at the sight.

“my wwife fef wwas alwways real glubbin strict wwith my schedule. evvery day at 4 pm shed call me into the respiteblock for my bulge flattenin. but wwhen huss is around, its a lot less intimidatin. he even lets me sit at the kids table for meals and stay up until 9:00 instead of 8:30. i really hope he chooses fef. i dont know how long i can keep this u-“  
The camera cuts away from eridan in mid-sentence. america sighs in relief. fucking cuck.

Tavros appears on screen instead. god DAMN just END THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE

“vRISKA I DONT KNOW IF YOURE SEEING THIS RIGHT NOW,,,,,, bUT BACK OUT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW I’M DEAD SERIOUS,,, bITCH I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD-“  
Tavros is cut off as well. god these two troll ladies are just surrounded by simps arent they

The cameras cut back to the girls standing in front of Hussie. They’re giving eachother dirty looks.

“Girls,” Andrew says, “you’re both extremely sexy. Vriska, you’ve got that crazy ass. Feferi, you have gills, which is nice and kinky. Vriska, you’ve got a massive cock. Feferi, you’ve got hands that are small and dainty and can fit in a butthole. You’re both the girls of my dreams.  
“Unfortunately, I’m not polyamorous. Only one of you whores can be my sexy girlfriend. And that whore is………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………vriskaaa”

Vriska starts to jump up in down in excitement, her fatass jiggling with every landing. Feferi looks dejected. Off to the side, Eridan looks even worse. Hussie walks up to Vriska and gives her a flower or some shit i dont know ive never watched the bachelor in my fucking life  
She bites the stem and jumps into hussies arms, which are almost crushed under her weight. He spins around with her, happily. They stop, looking into eachothers eyes.  
Wordless, their foreheads touch, and then they go in for a sloppy, tongue-filled kiss. Love is in the air.

A gunshot booms throughout the studio, and Vriska’s body goes limp.

Hussie drops to the ground, holding her head in his hands. A bullet hole has appeared right in the side of her head and her eyes have gone completely white. Tears fill andrew’s eyes as he leans down to revive her. It doesn’t work. No dreamselves in Cummyverse, dumbass.

People crowd around the assassinated cerulean, take a glance, shrug, and walk away. Nobody gives a shit. Feferi grabs Hussie by the dick and drags him away, Eridan following behind with a relieved smile on his face. Vriska has been abandoned.

Hiding behind a wall, Tavros lowers his rifle and whispers into a walkie-talkie. “aRADIA, tHIS ONE WAS A DUD TOO,,,, cAN YOU HOOK ME UP WITH ANOTHER,,,,?”  
A sigh is heard through the small, crackly speaker.

“yes, but there are only so many fitting vriskas, you know. you need to slow down!”

“tHERE HAS TO BE ONE OUT THERE,,,,,,, tHAT WILL LOVE ME,,”

“sure buddy”

Tavros puts his cummunicator away and peeks around the wall before going to harvest vriska’s bones. Gotta pay aradia back somehow


	2. Elsewhere...

You wake up in your chair, groaning. The television’s on in front of you. Looks like Vriska and Hussie are getting together? Your head hurts like hell.

Vriska…

You turn the TV off.

What happened..?

You try to replay your last memories in your head. You learned about Gamzee’s babies, went to McDonalds, and the ice cream machine was broken. Yeah. Then you had a meltdown? Yeah, yeah that happened.  
But how’d you… how’d you get back here..?

Wait. You remember something else.

Vriska slapped you.

Why?

You… you asked her why she was so fat.

Well, that’s because she’s fat. She’s always been that way. It’s not nice to bodyshame.

Yeah, but she’s… she’s not supposed to be. Right? She…

Your head throbs, and you groan again. She must’ve slapped you pretty hard to cause a headache this bad.  
You lean back in your chair and close your eyes, putting a hand to your forehead.

Let’s just…  
Try to sleep it off.


End file.
